Saturday, June 07, 2008

"Why can't I pick a relationship that lasts?"

Am I destined to be lonely? Do I pick the wrong men? Why am I still single?

Yesterday I read on a story, contemporary story about relationships:

"I believe that I have lost my ability to trust my judgments on relationships. However, I still believe in love, and I have not given up all hope.
Here is the situation: I am 33 and single yet again after another failed relationship..."
And there was a whole story of a number of failed relationships, for variety of reasons.

In response to the story, advice followed:
"What is your reason for seeking a man? It may sound like a dumb question but ... Is it to have children and raise a family? To avoid loneliness? To feel relaxed and confident in your world? To enjoy sex? To demonstrate your value and attractiveness to others? To keep pace with your friends?
Perhaps with your therapist you can dwell on these questions long enough to see some specific and detailed answers emerge.
This might help you in several ways. For one thing, it can help you see exactly what you are losing when a man goes away. And so it can help you think how to replace those specific things that he was providing. If he was providing sex, for instance, and you miss the sex, then you can set about trying to find more sex. If the ache you feel is loneliness, then perhaps you need the company of others. If you feel wounded or betrayed, then perhaps you can work on that woundedness, exploring it, asking, Is it anger toward him, is it shock at how I have been treated?

So rather than suggest how you might better find and maintain another relationship, my approach is more to explore the various aspects of having a man and see how having a man is connected to your larger life aspirations."

Basically, think and see who you are first, be complete and then seek a relationship.

I loved how similar idea was put in Zoe's blog, some extracts:

The word to look out for this century is partnership. We are changing the love of necessity for the love of desire. I like and desire company, but I do not need it - this is very different.

They [people] are starting to realise that they feel a fraction, but are whole.
The other, with whom you create a link, also feels a fraction. He is not the prince or the saviour of anything. He is only a companion on a journey.

A new form of love, or more love, has a new features and meaning.
It aims for the coming together of two wholes, and not the union of two halves.
And this is only possible for those who manage to work on their individuality.

The more an individual is capable to live alone, the more prepared s/he will be for an affectionate relationship.

Everyone should spend some time alone every now and again, to establish an inner dialogue and discover your personal force.


Is it so? Does that explain?
It does on a broader scale (not in all cases), I guess (or what do u think?). And gives, in a way, a new (more relaxed?) perspective/meaning to the relationship status. Especially if you are 33 and single.

I'm 28 and single and my parents definitely think I should be rather concerned:)


Sérgio "Jota" Schüler said...

One day I realized that: people who cannot be alone, are a pain in the ass to date. If you can't stand your own company, no one will.

Since then I never seek for love. Sometimes it just appears, sometimes it feels it will never happen.

As most things, moderation is the best: don't leave the door wide open for any stranger to come in, but don't lock it up so hard that nobody can even knock.

Relax and enjoy.

e.Lu said...

yes, I agree :) I like to put it like this: "All I need, is myself. Everything else is like a cherry on a cake."
For what I have learned, is that love, happyness and joy come all from the inside, and one doesn't need anyone or anything to have them all.
Your parents are just executing social pressure; like many people do in many issues ;)

Triinu said...

I like the cherry on the cake expression:))

and i agree with both of you, and i'm still buzzled by quite a few things like (and tell me what u think?):
IF one is doing great on his/her own, isn't it making it more and more difficult for someone to be the "cherry", u know what i mean (and if that's the case, then there will automatically be more and more single people around. which also we can see happening, and which is ok also. until i start to wonder, does that mean there will be more and more single parents around? or will there be single parent communities? and then what about the children in that case?

So, by being more yourself, being happy about who you are, what you do, what you want to be etc, wouldn't it make more difficult to find someone, because you'd then be talking about physical, intellectual, spiritual connection/partnership (which is awesome when it happens), but which at some point seems too much to ask?

and i know that part of the answer is to take it easy and relax, but the other part of my keeps curious and wonders:P

e.Lu said...

if talking about "cherry", you don't need all those (physical, intellectual, spiritual) characteristics to be there - after all, it's only something "extra" we are talking about :) me, personally, have stopped to look for everything I want to share in one person; I am happy to have lots of friends to share my numerous interests with :) In a partner, I look for mutual acceptance of each other's personality and lots of freedom to do, what one likes, and that's really it :) so, no, I am not intending to become a single parent, because life is much easier, if you have a supportive person by your side :) and, if you rather see this partner of yours as a cherry, there is no longer need for that person to be absolutely perfect ;) after all, life's best when it is interesting :)

Triinu said...

great thoughts!! thanks!!!
ahh you re-emphasized the idea of the partnership actually, the one that I had in the initial posting!